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I miss you Dylan. Every day I do. Today was particularly hard though. I can’t seem to stop the tears. It’s difficult knowing what worth I have, now that you no longer walk my earth. I built my world around you. It’s so very empty now that you’re gone. Joy is elusive. Identity too. Who am I? What am I? Why am I? You are the reason I chose this life so where do I go from here? What possible purpose can there be for me now? I hope you’re lighting up the cosmos with your love and energy. I can’t wait to see you again. Please come to me. My dreams miss you too. I love you son.

Galactic.

Cosmic.

No other words come to mind except maybe: loser. In the galactic, cosmic sense of the word.

Loser in the Ninth inning baby. Oh Baby. Oh. Loser in the Ninth.

I need new lungs to keep on living. I find that I don’t want to let go of this miracle of life just yet. I’m not sure what life has in store for me, but I feel it strongly none the less. The last chapter is always a good one. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go on without my Dylan. I feel like my story has already been told but here I am with a yearning for just a little bit more. Maybe I can be someone else’s miracle. Someone else’s happiness. All I know is that someone somewhere believes in me. So much so that I’ve begun to believe in myself. I’m praying that you hold that soul tightly and thank them for me until I can do so myself. I feel them coming to me already Lord. I’m ready. Watch me light this world on fire. Your love will shine through me so brightly it will chase the darkness to the Galaxies far away.

I can sit here and stare a hole into the memory of you.

There’s nothing I can do better.

My son. Beautiful soul. I long to hear your voice again; “Hey Mom.” My heart leapt with joy every moment that I had with you.

Surely we have known each other forever choosing these lives as we did. Didn’t we just love being together? Your journey just moved on ahead of mine. I must have more healing to do here, but I’ll be along right shortly. 

That wasn’t you I saw that day, cold, hard and empty. You’re gone far away somewhere. If only I knew because I’d find some way to get there.

You must be racing through the stars by now. I am the luckiest soul to have had you journeying next to me but fly now, fly son. There’s no need for you to remain here. You’re spreading love through the heavens now.

With pride bursting inside of me I see how many others love you and knowing how fiercely that you love them too they now hold a piece of you. How rich you must be when reaching Heaven.

Love goes with you now sweet son of mine and you know I’ll be seeing you. 

I’ve been dreaming of the ocean lately. I see the sea misses me. Given a second chance at life has gifted me with new insight and new perspectives. The energy of the universe waits for us, knowing that life is just a lesson in time. Ask for understanding and it comes to you. I asked to remember my dreams and I walk through them now and take their memory into my waking life. There they have helped me to work through what I like to call my; ‘Dark Days.’

Doubt will always come and almost in jest I asked for a miracle. You know our spirit guides will listen. They are always listening. The Ocean. You see I have really been missing her and there he was to take my hand saying come with me. And. Of a sudden I was standing in the energy of the ocean. We were the energy of she. The rolling, the wet, the massiveness, the taste, the waves crashing all around, was me. I’ve been carrying the memory of that dream around for days now. Almost dumbfounded by the miracle of it. Can you imagine being an Ocean? Being the sea?

I can.

Today is April 2nd. I’m learning to live without you. 

How am I doing?

One breadth at a time. One day at a time. 

It can be done. 

I can learn it. 

I can.